Solo Fellowship...

Solo fellowship?  An oxymoron?

I love solo runs.  By myself.  Alone.  Me and my iPod.

I drive to the trail...stretch...turn on my iPod and go.  I listen Christian music mostly...the good stuff...Needtobreathe, Rend Collective, Tobymac...

As I run, my mind is caught up in the music...the words...the beat (Needtobreathe makes music that goes perfectly with my stride.)
It's not long before a lyric brings to mind something I'm thankful for...
Then something to pray about...
I come to a hill and I struggle...
I focus on the music...
It's so strange, it seems that every time I get to the hills, the music is PERFECTLY timed for that particular challenge.

As my run continues, I realize that I'm not alone at all.
I've been chatting with God the entire time.
Worshiping Him in the sunshine...or rain...
Enjoying His creation...
The sweet scent of the grass and trees...
The occasional bunny crossing my path...
The fresh air filling my lungs...

When I get to the last hill, the one that kicks my butt every time, I thank Him for giving me the strength, the legs, the ability at my age, to run up that hill...
Running isn't easy.
It's not always fun.
But...
It's a place that I meet God...
It makes me feel strong...stronger...
physically...
and spiritually...

I love the fellowship of running with friends....
but a solo run...solo fellowship...is sacred.

Overheard in the Dietitians office...

I've had two appointments with a dietitian...

What I expected:
To be weighed.
To be measured.
To learn my BMI.
To be shocked by my BMI.
To be told what foods are bad.
To be bummed out about all the foods on the bad food list.
To be told what foods are good.
To not like any of those foods.
To be told I shouldn't eat certain foods.
To be told how much to exercise.
To be given a food plan filled with foods I've never heard of.
To feel overwhelmed by all of the information.

What actually happened...
I sat down and the dietitian began asking me questions.
It felt like a counseling session...and I was uncomfortable at first.
She asked why I was there.
"I'm 48, food sticks to my body like barnacles to a rock even though I exercise regularly and eat a healthy diet but sometimes I'm bad and have treats that I probably shouldn't...but not very often."
"Wait...why are you so judgmental of yourself?"
"Huh?"
"Food isn't bad...you're not bad for eating food."
"Well, I'm talking about cookies and sweets."
"Why are those foods bad?"
"Huh?"
This is when I first began reconsidering my ideas about food...and why I eat it.

All food is permitted...good...it's WHY you eat it that matters...
"When do you usually eat.  Do you know what hunger feels like?" she asked.
"Yes."
"Oh good, some people don't know that feeling...they've never allowed themselves to be truly physically hungry."
"Oh, wow."
"So, is that when you eat...when your stomach is growling?"
"No, not always."
"When are other times that you eat?"
"When I'm bored...upset...happy...celebrating...with friends or family...in social situations."
"OK, so you eat emotionally..."
"I do."

My first assignment was to write down or pay attention to what I was feeling every single time I reached for something to eat.  Am I physically hungry or is there some other reason?  I did it.  Here's the overwhelming reason I eat:  I reward myself...for running!
My mantra:  Will run for food.
I could write it with a black Sharpie on a piece of cardboard and attach it to my back when I'm running...it's that true...
What the heck?
I'm completely sabotaging my efforts!
That was unbelievably eye opening.
What to do?
Well, awareness is an amazing first step.  Once I know what I'm doing, I can make a choice to do something different...and I did...
I started rewarding myself in other ways...I'm drinking lots of water - a reward in itself - and doing nice things for me like taking a little more time to write.
I've bought myself succulent plants...I have several containers of succulents now...it's a little ridiculous, but really super fabulous at the same time!
I've bought more music on iTunes so my runs are more fun!
I have started to see running as it's own reward...my body thanks me...and I don't need to feed it...the run is something nice in and of itself!  (yes, I really do love to run!)
I'm starting to change my mind....the way my mind gets wrapped around food...and eating...and exercise.

So now my assignment is to learn to stop eating when I'm almost full...because if I'm almost full, I'm actually full...and I'll feel it in 20 minutes.
Looks like I'll have to stay away from Olive Garden and the unlimited salad and breadsticks...and Mexican restaurants with those glorious baskets of chips...or learn to eat just a little of those things and save myself for the entree...
So much to learn...

And yes, we did talk a bit about eating a balanced diet...cutting back on treats but not eliminating them because...well...they're treats!  Hallelujah!

I'm glad I went to see a dietitian...it wasn't at all what I expected and I'm actually relieved.  I don't do diets...and honestly, I don't do exercise well either, but I have changed my perceptions...the way I think about food...and that has changed the way I eat for the better.

Running In Spite of Me...

My friend and I have been slacking...
It's been very rainy and I think we've been under the impression that running in the rain would cause us to melt into a puddle.
Not true.
So today, when we cancelled AGAIN due to rain (let's all say it together..."wimpy"), we decided to run in the afternoon...after all, it's light much later these days!
Then my daughter called.
She'd be coming by after work....OH how fun, would you like to join us on our run?
Of course she would.
She's cool like that.
So we met at the trail...where there's a loop that makes a perfect 5K...
Did I mention that we'd been slacking?
Yeah.
It's been a while since we'd run a full 3.1 miles...quite. a. while.
While we stretched, my daughter talked about the 10K training she wanted to do with us...
Have I mentioned that I've been snookered into running a 10K?
No, I haven't, because I'm not ready to talk about it yet.
It scares me.
Did you know that 10K is 6.2 miles.  SIX POINT TWO MILES!
More on that later.
We reminded her that we'd been slacking and that today may be a little rough for the old ladies.
We took off running...and by running, I mean jogging and by jogging I mean slowly.
I ran out of breath very quickly.
I bowed out of the conversation.
"Yeah" and "Ha!" and "Wow!" and "Really?" were all that I could muster.
Once again, I practiced listening...it's good for me.
About a mile in, I was done.
Fini.
BUT...I kept going because the other two kept going...peer pressure in it's most divine form.
We were approaching the half-way point and I was dying.  No, really, I think I was literally dying.
I began to hatch a plan.
I felt like I could burst into tears at any moment.  It wouldn't take much to put me over the edge. (That's happened to me once before - the burst into tears feeling.  It's a strange phenomenon and I was feeling it.)
If I burst into tears near the little road that led to our cars, I could say "I'm sorry, I just can't make it, you two go ahead!", all the while, sobbing at my inability to complete the full 3.1 miles.  They'd say "Oh, Heather, it's okay, go back to the car and we'll meet you there"...or..."We'll just go halfway today, next time you'll be able to do it!  Don't worry!"
I saw it all clearly.  My plan could work.
As we approached the road, my friend even asked if I wanted to continue on or just do half...maybe she was hatching a plan of her own...
We came to the little road and we kept on going.  I didn't shed a tear or say a word.  I shut my weenie-a$$ self down, letting the plan die.  I've done this run dozens of times...easy peasy, right?  Well, no, not easy peasy this time, but I KNEW I could do it!!
I told myself to go to the railroad tracks....then I told myself to go to the end of the gravel road...then I told myself to go to the cross-street and then I told myself to go to the car!
And I did.
I did it because I didn't want to disappoint my running buddies.  I did it because I wanted to make my daughter proud.  I did it because I wanted to make myself proud.  I did it because I had something to prove...to me...and I did!
If you're struggling with your own negative inner chatter...shut that down!  You're stronger than you think!  I wish I could record the things I say to myself when I'm running...at the beginning I'm very negative.  "I can't do that"..."I'm so tired"..."I'll just stop when I get to ___"
Each time I chase one of those lies with some truth "I can do it"..."I won't die"...when I keep going in spite of me, or TO spite me, I am always surprised what this middle-aged body will do for me.  We don't give ourselves enough credit...probably because we don't push ourselves to see what we can accomplish...which brings me to the pesky subject of that 10K...

I AM the Boss of me...

I had a walking date with a friend today and at the last minute she couldn't make it.
I was already at the park but my knee-jerk reaction was "Oh well, I'll exercise at home".
Big fat lie.
I backed my car up to leave.
My phone rang.
I pulled back into the parking space and answered the phone.
The call ended and I put the car in gear to back up again.
Then I heard myself say (out loud and sarcastically no less),
"You're here, you should run around the lake!"
I think I was channelling my daughter...
It was raining.  Cold.
I was a little put out.
How dare I talk to me that way!
So I put the car in park and turned it off,
Tied my key to my shoe ...and...
I ran.
It was good.
I felt GREAT when I was done...
I should listen to me more often...

Sugar update:  I've been a very good girl...although I've taken to adding a scant teaspoon of sugar-in-the-raw to my coffee in the morning.  It makes my coffee SO much more enjoyable and I don't feel utterly deprived first thing in the morning!
I should also report that I slept ALL NIGHT LONG last night!  My normal wake up time is 2 am...tossing and turning until 4 or 5 am until I crash again right before the alarm goes off.  So to get that much sleep all at one time is utter bliss!!  Yay!!!